Tuesday, May 5, 2009

BLEH!!!!!!!

Sometimes I don't really feel like I was cut out to be a mom. I just don't fit that well. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with Samantha and know that I am so blessed to be able to stay home with her and teach her the things she needs to learn and raise her in the gospel, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. Judge and call me a bad mom if you want, but I think I'm going insane. is there not anyone else out there who feels like they are going completely CRAZY?! It is soooo monotonous. Get her up at 8, feed her, cuddle with her, play with her, sing to her and read to her (need I mention it's the same 10-30 children's songs and same 37 books we got off of E-bay?!), maybe go for a walk. Put her down for her nap, then clean, do laundry, try to think of something cool to make for dinner, clean, clean clean, maybe do my workout video, maybe read or scrapbook. Get her up at noon and repeat repeat repeat!!!!
I love my daughter- a LOT. I can't imagine sending her to a daycare where the people won't know what she likes and what she wants when she cries, etc. I love her too much to leave her, I do. But I am going crazy. I crave something new, I crave PEOPLE. I am a HUGE people person, I LOVE people, yes I do. Yes yes, I know, Samantha is a person, but she can't exactly talk, and even when she starts we will be talking about children things. I crave an adult conversation!!! The monotony and lack of people is getting sooo boring! What if I want to do something different than clean my house? I don't exactly LIKE to clean (I don't hate it either, thank goodness) Yes, yes, get a hobby. Hobbies... I have them. I love to scrapbook, and it makes me feel good, and I love being creative...but it's not something I want to do every single day. I enjoy reading, but one can only read so much before they feel blind! I like a few shows on TV, but not a whole ton, I like movies, but seriously can't remember the last time I felt like watching a movie during the day. What I am trying to say is... I want more people in my life. My husband just isn't enough. I love him with all of my heart, but I only get to see him after 8-10 LONG hours without him. those 8-10 hours 5 days a week without anyone to talk to are driving me crazy!!!

I know this was extremely pessimistic, and I'll probably even delete this tomorrow or in a few days because I will realize how embarrassed I am that I am being so negative, but oh well. And I also want to add.... Please don't leave any comments that will just make me feel more pitiful (ex: Oh nicole, don't worry it'll get better, the Lord is always there for you, I love you!) because I already know all of those things. yep.

8 comments:

StephaME said...

Haha. I totally feel for you Nicole. We NEED to hang out! What day works best for you next week? You should come over for certain.

Scott and Heather said...

oh you are completely human. I think every mother feels the same way, you are the only one brave enough to actually admit the truth. Honestly I have felt the same way, I even told my husband that I love being a mom, but if I could go back I would have waited maybe another year or two, not that I don't love my baby, but it's life changing. My advice is have some "me" time and have a girls night out. Right now I live by 15 other couples so there is not a day that I don't get out of the house and that has seriously kept me sane. Don't worry no one thinks your a bad mom or negative, cause it's obvious your a great mom.

Whitney said...

I despise the days that I feel like that, and yes your not alone feeling that way. It is really hard going from working every day to being home doing the same thing over and over...it gets old pretty quick. I am in Sandy now, I'm not sure where you are, but I would love someone to hang out with, it's always nice to go out and get a little out of the norm, if you want to go to lunch sometime I would love to!

Sara said...

um amen! I had such a hard time adjusting to being a stay at home mom, I even considered going back to work- but couldn't stand the thought of leaving Makenna. I always felt like I was choosing the lesser of two not so great options.

I will say this- it does get better as the kids get older. makenna can interact now and keeps me so busy that I wish I had time to clean my house or read a book.

One more thing- getting together with other moms is essential! We're excited to have you go walking with us, because it is what keeps us sane! Hope it does the same for you! I hope things start to look up soon!

SAHARA said...

ha nicole! I know what you are feeling!! I go crazy too. Not to mention I am in primary on sundays so I still dont get to have adult conversations! although I am impressed with your list of how much you get done! But I def decided that girls really need other girl friends!! You should move back to rexburg so I have another mom to play with that knows how it feels. its something people can't get unless they are a mom.

Rachel said...

Glad you went walking with us today! Life really can get a bit monotonous with a small child. You really do need adult conversation!

Katrina said...

I understand...and especially before Sammy is very communicative! So we will definitely get together more...I'll be home for good next Thursday! :) Kamryn and Sammy already love eachother!

It's okay to have a few posts like this. Sometimes you just need to vent and that's what blogs are for! :)

Ang said...

hehe.. I feel the same way very often. Really, they should make a New Mom support group, where you can make friends and have other new moms around for an hour two everyday.

Really sis, you can call me anytime, sorry about yesterday. And yes! Let's go to the ZOO!

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