Monday, November 30, 2009

slightly fixated...

I am so bored of being fixated with things that don't matter. The main thing I am talking about is my weight. I'm so sick of it. It's tiring to always be worried about it and always worry about not eating too much and eating the right things and making sure I exercise enough and blah blah blah... I am going to make a bold statement, not because I am self centered but because I believe women need to change their perspectives, and I honestly feel that every woman should be able to boldly declare this about themselves: I look great!! And know what? I do! I am the same size I was when I was 15--- 15!!!! I was bigger at 16 than I am now! And I wasn't fat at age 16. I was fairly slender. So why the fixation? I am completely clueless. I think I have been fixated and obsessed to some degree or another since I was 12. And I'm not talking about eating disorders, luckily I have always been able to keep myself out of those (though there have been a few times that have been close). That's a tiring thing to be obsessed with for over a decade! Feeling the pressure and desire to achieve perfection.
It dawned on me recently that there is no perfection physically. It all has to come from within. You cannot ever achieve perfection with yourself physically until you learn to love yourself. You have to reach a point mentally where you feel good about yourself. I believe that in order to reach that point, you need a few key elements. One is that you need to be physically active. I'm not saying go kill yourself at the gym (unless you like that sort of thing) find something you like to do that's active and go do it. I always feel better about myself on days when I am physically active. I think you also need to be at a point where you are eating well. Eating well is different for everyone, but there are a few key factors, one of them being at a point when you know enough is enough and not overeat. Think about how you feel after you overeat- not good, huh? And the other is moderation in all things. I'm not saying you have to have 3-5 servings of vegetables each day to love yourself. I'm also not saying stay away from that cheesecake or french fries. All I'm saying is moderation in all things. Don't eat the cheesecake or french fries too often, but still eat them, if that's what you want.
OK, so I think I've figured out these few keys to be at a point where you can just feel good in general. But I feel like there is still more that needs to be done from within. You need to reach a point where these things happen, not because you stress about them, but because it's part of your life.
One time I was talking to a friend about his future career and he told me that he wanted enough money that he didn't have to worry about it and be stressed about it, but not be at the point where he always wanted more materialistic possessions, and felt like he had to "Keep up with Joneses"

I think that trying to achieve this physical perfection and satisfaction is a form of 'keeping of with the joneses' and I want to achieve this middle ground he spoke of!
I feel very strongly that our Heavenly Father loves us no matter what. I also feel like He wants us to love ourselves. We can do a lot better serving others and the Lord if we first learn to love ourselves. I also feel that He wants us to be healthy and strong, but not obsess over it or worry about it too much. I think He wants us to be able to find that middle ground where we are healthy, but not worrying about it too much. He doesn't care if we have love handles or stretch marks or big hips or cankles! He wants us to be healthy and happy, and sometimes some of those things I mentioned do come along with being in good health!
Another point I would like to make is that I think the Lord wants us to be able to give our children a healthy outlook on life. Our poor little daughters (and sons too, though maybe not as much) receive so much pressure from outside sources that they don't need that in the home too. I think about how I don't want Samantha to feel at an even younger age than 12 that she has to be thin! She doesn't need to see her mother standing in front of a mirror pulling on the fat on her legs and complaining about her weight. She needs a mother who will simply be a good example of not overeating and staying active. Not a mother who pressures her and tells her she is eating too much and needs to exercise. I'd like to add that on the other hand that He doesn't want us to be obese and either.

Anyway this has kind of been on my mind a lot lately. And I feel that recently too many of my thoughts and conversations are about being healthy and losing weight, etc. And I think it has become degrading. I'm so tired and bored with this obsession. It isn't healthy (ironic that I'm fixated with health and it isn't healthy.. yeah) and I want to stop. I'm not claiming that I'm suddenly going to stop and become perfect at it, but I am going to start trying. I want to focus my energies on something more positive.
OK, for all of you who made it to the end of this really long post please say aloud with me "I am smokin' HOTT!!!"

Friday, November 13, 2009


Well things have been going well for us lately. I don't get to see Jacob as often as I'd like, because he is so busy with work and school, but oh well. Samantha is... well a toddler. She gets into everything and loves to tear apart the house, I spend most of my time cleaning these days :) She has a few words that she says, 'daddy' 'bye' 'ball' (ball means toy to her) and a few other things that all mean "what's this" and some other things I can't think of at the moment. Her newest thing she can do is open things. For example, i have a concealer that's in a tube like a lipstick, and she can now pull of the lid, and she pulls of the lids on my chapstick and anything else that you just have to pull to take off the lid. She has a really fun little personality and is still so friendly to everyone! She loves to cuddle and still loves reading books.
This Thanksgiving Jacob has to work Wednesday and Friday so we will just be staying here. Starting that weekend the place where he works will be closed on Saturdays, so we are really excited to actually be able to go places on the weekend if we want!
Oh! and Samantha is officially weaned and finally loves whole milk in her sippy cup!

Halloween 2 weeks late...

I know I'm late, I just haven't been in the mood to blog lately.
Our Halloween was soooo much fun! on Friday we went to a FUN Halloween party hosted by our good friends the Durrans (they are the ones we dressed up with as The Flintstones).

To Nicole From Jacob

First of all, this says it was written by Nicole. It wasn't. I just couldn't remember what my login information was.

Anyway. It is 6:50am and I am sitting in the Eyring Science Center on BYU campus working on homework. I was thinking about all that is going on in my life with school and work and family, and much Nicole really does for me and our little family. Nicole, I hope you really know how much I truly love you. You do so much that I don't ever see (or just don't notice). In know I am not very good and making life easy for you. I'm sorry for that. I really do appreciate you staying home with Samantha to take care of and teach her.

You mean everything to me dear. I wish there was some way to really let you know exactly how I feel about you. You give me so much strength, and sometimes I feel like I just drag you down. Thank you for being my wife and my support. I honestly don't know where I would be without you. I know this little note won't make up for all of the stupid things I do on a regular basis :) but I hope that it lets you know, at least in some small way, that I love you with all my heart. I hope your day is going well when you read this, and if not, that this makes it a little better.

I love you Nicole!

-Your adoring husband