Tuesday, September 28, 2010

weight weight weight

My drawers were getting too cramped as I've expanded and have had to wear more and more maternity clothes, so this morning I decided to go through and take out all my "normal" clothes. I looked longingly at all my cute little t-shirts... all size s and xs... and thought about how much work it took to get to where I wanted to be, and how much harder everyone says it is after baby #2.
If I let myself think about it too much, I get really stressed out about it. I want to look like what I looked like before, but looking back I think I spent WAY too much time worried about it. I'm definitely one of those people that is very conscientious about my appearance, and even when most of my small t-shirts were a little on the big side for 4 or 5 months there I still thought I needed to be smaller. And that's not actually the size I'm aiming for next time, I had low blood pressure issues when I was that size, and I HATE low blood pressure issues (I get them when I'm pregnant too, not fun).
I don't know, I just struggle with thoughts of finding the balance. I want to be healthy, both physically and mentally when it comes to my weight. I get frustrated looking back because I just think that I should have been content with where I was at when I looked great, and FELT great. Jacob always tell me not to go back to how I was when I was at my smallest, because he LOVES my curves, and they were pretty much gone.
Basically I want to look great and be healthy, but I don't want to be thinking about it very much. I just want to FEEL good. I want to look in the mirror and not criticize my body and just be satisfied that I'm keeping myself healthy and feel healthy and know that I am healthy and have that be enough, no matter what I look like on the outside. (granted if I'm TRULY keeping myself healthy, it can't look that bad on the outside:))


Cynthia said...

I know what you are talking about, I was so little in HS, and even ending out at the same weight my body isn't the same. I struggled with it until I realized that I was happy with the way I looked, but didn't like the size I had to buy. I didn't tell other people that, I made excuses but that is what it is. And you know what? This time I felt so much better because the numbers stopped mattering. Good luck-I am glad you learned the lesson before I did. If you ever want to talk to someone who understands (without hearing be thankful, I wish I looked like that, etc) I am here for you. Shoot me an email on FB. :)

Stephanie said...

This isn't meant to make you feel better, although I do hope that you can strike a balance and find a happy, healthy place. I simply understand how you feel... to a certain degree anyway. I was so scrawny in high school and looking back at photos I can't believe it - to myself I looked normal, but in the pictures I look anorexic or something (believe I ate a lot and not good stuff). It's interesting how differently we perceive ourselves from what is actually there.

I am on the road from baby that you are dreading though. I decided to pick up some of your ques and put a little effort into looking and feeling good. So, yesterday I bought an eliptical machine. I am pretty stoked about it and in all actuality I believe if ever there was an exercise meant for me that that is it. I hope I can gain the courage to do crunches and such, but at least for now I am starting with SOMETHING. Yay for being skinny AND healthy! But yay for having cute little babies to bring us happiness during the fatty stage. :) And lately I have been thinking to myself that babies are there to hide the belly. Once they're walking is when you should actually start to feel bad about the lagging tummy. Am I right? haha.

You are beautiful and I'm sure you'll become more comfortable in your own skin.