Wednesday, July 23, 2014


I am a breastfeeding mama!! As some of you may know, this is my first time breastfeeding. I just wanted to post this so that others maybe can feel like there is hope for them.  I honestly didn't feel like there was any hope for me in breastfeeding. It was a deep desire in my heart to breastfeed, and I was absolutely devastated when it didn't work out with Samantha. There were a LOT of reasons it didn't work out, and that is okay. It again didn't work out with Jase, but I hadn't allowed myself to be as emotionally invested in it, so it was hard, but it wasn't crushing, when it again didn't work out.  My plan this time around was to wing it. If I felt like giving it a try, I would. If not- then no! :)  Well little Everett came and when the nurses left me alone with him and Jacob I decided that I was NOT going to. I didn't want to deal with the heartache. And Jacob (who, prior to this whole thing said that he would be completely on board and supportive of whatever decision I mad and not be ANYTHING but supportive!!) sad: "Well, it won't hurt to just try once". I wasn't pleased with this, but I kept hearing my mother's words in my head "Just because it didn't work out the first 2 times, doesn't mean it won't work out this time", and just decided to try one time. Wellll I put him on and it went pretty well. I requested a lactation consultant for the next feeding. He was doing great and she gave me some pointers. By this point in life, I'd met with so many lactation consultants on my previous attempts and read so much on it, that there wasn't anything new said to me.. but for some reason this lactation consultant just said things in the right way and helped me so that things really clicked. It went so well! That was my last time to nurse before he got taken away from me to the NICU. I figured it wasn't going to work out, because the hours in the NICU are limited and there is no privacy at all. It was discouraging. I pumped a couple of times, and I got like... half an ounce or so. -I've done the pumping thing before for the other 2 and the one thing I had promised myself this time was that I would NOT put myself through the torture of pumping. Spending 12-14 hours a day between pumping and cleaning bottles and feeding and cleaning pumping equipment was not going to happen this time around. I was thoroughly displeased to be pumping and decided I was done. It was a good feeling, but frustrating too. I started only pumping every 8 hours and was fine with that. Everett got dismissed from the NICU and I decided to put him on just to see. It went pretty well, and I decided to just go with it and see how it went. I pumped at home at night while I was away from him. The first few days of him being in the nursery he had formula and nursed interchangeably, but by the last 2 nights I'd pumped enough that they were feeding him just pumped milk and I was nursing. His NP also came in and gave me some tips. I learned from the lactation consultant and the NP that I have a harder time nursing because of a small physical difference in myself. It wasn't anything I didn't already know, but it was nice to have some validation that not all of my failures are because I didn't try hard enough in the past :).  That week that Everett was in the nursery had ups and downs.  One of my friends told me I just needed confidence. Being postpartum and hormonal I was a little annoyed (she is a nursing pro, and I really admire her, but at that point it was envy! haha!) and stewed over it for a few hours before I came to the realization that she was 100% correct. That was the last factor that I needed- confidence.  When it hurt so bad I was in tears and so frustrated I would think back to all the hard stuff I went through while I was pregnant, which was soooo much worse, and it gave me the strength to push through. I know I can do hard things. And having that knowledge and believing it was the last factor I needed to succeed at breastfeeding. I will say it is much harder to endure pain when it is self inflicted and something you can stop, than much more severe pain that you can't do anything about and just have to deal with. I know there are MANY reasons that breastfeeding doesn't work out, but maybe this will help someone else out there who has struggled with it in the past who wants to give it another shot.  I prayed so hard that I would be able to breastfeed, if it was the right thing for me, and I know that Heavenly Father set everything up for me so that the things would happen that needed to so that I could succeed. I know it isn't right for everyone, and that it doesn't work out for everyone and I know the heartache and depression and frustration and the tears all too well. But there is hope for everyone! Don't be afraid to try again. YOU can do hard things!! And if it doesn't work out for other reasons, that is fine too!! Don't worry about it!

Friday, July 11, 2014


The evening after Everett was born he had to go to the NICU. Earlier in the afternoon his breathing was extremely fast and he had Stridor breathing.. If you don't know what that is here is a video  it's scary! His wasn't as bad as the baby in the video, but much faster. He was at over 100 respirations/min and babies should be 40-50 and should NOT be higher than 60. We didn't really know what was going on with him. So they whisked him away that afternoon and took some blood samples to see if he had an infection. I am group B strep positive so they were Very concerned about that, and worried he had sepsis. Sooo sad. They came back with my sweet little baby (still nameless.. I think at this point we were thinking about Grayson and Oliver) and told me they had to take him to the NICU. He wasn't doing terrible at this point, they just wanted him hooked up to everything and right there in case he got worse. His oxygen was low (they put him on oxygen at first), and they could tell his circulation wasn't that great because he had poor perfusion.  So we called our home teacher and he came and assisted Jacob in giving Everett a blessing.

See the IV in his poor little head on his upper right side? So sad. 
 It was HORRIBLE letting the nurse take him off to the NICU.  I wasn't going to be able to see him until the next day(it was around 8 or 9pm that they took him). I think it was after 10am... I can't remember exactly. It was a long night, stuck in the hospital with no baby. It was very strange! I pumped for him and stressed about him. I had no desire to try breastfeeding him at that point, as I would have had a lot of spectators, so pumping it was.  I was so happy when they finally let me go see him! By the time I got to see him he was no longer on oxygen.  Before we went to see him, my doctor came and talked to me about what had happened (I LOVE my OB and he is in our ward, which is nice). He said that basically what is supposed to happen is while the baby is in the birth canal, all the fluid that is in their lungs get squeezed out with all the contractions and pushing. And what happened is Everett was in the birth canal for such a short amount of time (through one contraction/ 2 1/2 pushes..) that all the fluid didn't get pushed out of his lungs.  This is not uncommon, but usually the body absorbs the leftover fluid in the longs within a couple of hours.  Everett's was in there longer, and somehow he got an infection in the fluid that was left in there. So that was that.

 Everett was in the NICU less than 48 hours so it really wasn't all that bad. They started him on an antibiotic that first evening (Thursday) and he stabilized the next day. He needed to be stable for 24 hours before moving to the nursery. Next I got checked out of the hospital. Luckily my OB is the director of the L&D, so even though they had to check me out in the morning, I got to stick around and use my room and I still even got meals! It was super nice! It was heart breaking to leave him that first night. I had a hard time sleeping and hurried to the hospital first thing in the morning. Ariel (Jacob's little sis) flew out to help and it was such a blessing having her there. I was able to spend the day at the hospital with Everett, and she would bring the kids over for a little while then take them home and watch them. It was nice not having to worry about them or where they were going or who was watching them, or worse having them there with me. I was able to take care of my little boy :)
 At the hospital they get a lot of clothing donations in the NICU, and our nurse sent Everett to the nursery in this cute (but funny) little elf outfit someone crocheted then donated :) It was one of the few things there that was big enough!

After he was stable for 24 hours they released him and he got to go to the nursery!! yay! The nursery doesn't have weird visiting hours, or scary machines, ha :) He had to stay in the nursery until the following Thursday morning so that they could administer his antibiotic through his IV twice a day. That week is a bit of a blur in my mind. I spent a lot of time at the hospital with him and my days consisted of traveling back and forth from the hospital so I could nurse (!! I know! Another post) and see him. It was exhausting. I distinctly remembering repeatedly telling myself it was for the better because he was learning to sleep through noise and lights and I was able to sleep at night straight through. Haha, I think that thinking helped me feel better about it, but looking back I think I might have been better rested had he just been home with me, as I was getting home very late, leaving early, sleeping fitfully, and traveling back and forth so much :)  It was very difficult for me to be away from him. Any mama out there knows that when you have a baby they feel like an extension of you for that first 6 months or so. My heart goes out to any of you out there that have had to deal with babies at the hospital for longer and babies in much more critical condition. I do realize I had it easy!!
Thursday came and I was soooo excited to pick up my little sweety pie and take him home!! I got to the hospital early and we waited and waited for the NP to see him and give him the go ahead so he could come home! And of course he peed all over his take home outfit and ended up going home in donated WV Mountaineers pajamas... Which was fitting :)  haha. He is my whole world (so are my other kids and hubby :)) and I adore him to no end.  I am so grateful to have him as part of our family!!