Wednesday, July 23, 2014


I am a breastfeeding mama!! As some of you may know, this is my first time breastfeeding. I just wanted to post this so that others maybe can feel like there is hope for them.  I honestly didn't feel like there was any hope for me in breastfeeding. It was a deep desire in my heart to breastfeed, and I was absolutely devastated when it didn't work out with Samantha. There were a LOT of reasons it didn't work out, and that is okay. It again didn't work out with Jase, but I hadn't allowed myself to be as emotionally invested in it, so it was hard, but it wasn't crushing, when it again didn't work out.  My plan this time around was to wing it. If I felt like giving it a try, I would. If not- then no! :)  Well little Everett came and when the nurses left me alone with him and Jacob I decided that I was NOT going to. I didn't want to deal with the heartache. And Jacob (who, prior to this whole thing said that he would be completely on board and supportive of whatever decision I mad and not be ANYTHING but supportive!!) sad: "Well, it won't hurt to just try once". I wasn't pleased with this, but I kept hearing my mother's words in my head "Just because it didn't work out the first 2 times, doesn't mean it won't work out this time", and just decided to try one time. Wellll I put him on and it went pretty well. I requested a lactation consultant for the next feeding. He was doing great and she gave me some pointers. By this point in life, I'd met with so many lactation consultants on my previous attempts and read so much on it, that there wasn't anything new said to me.. but for some reason this lactation consultant just said things in the right way and helped me so that things really clicked. It went so well! That was my last time to nurse before he got taken away from me to the NICU. I figured it wasn't going to work out, because the hours in the NICU are limited and there is no privacy at all. It was discouraging. I pumped a couple of times, and I got like... half an ounce or so. -I've done the pumping thing before for the other 2 and the one thing I had promised myself this time was that I would NOT put myself through the torture of pumping. Spending 12-14 hours a day between pumping and cleaning bottles and feeding and cleaning pumping equipment was not going to happen this time around. I was thoroughly displeased to be pumping and decided I was done. It was a good feeling, but frustrating too. I started only pumping every 8 hours and was fine with that. Everett got dismissed from the NICU and I decided to put him on just to see. It went pretty well, and I decided to just go with it and see how it went. I pumped at home at night while I was away from him. The first few days of him being in the nursery he had formula and nursed interchangeably, but by the last 2 nights I'd pumped enough that they were feeding him just pumped milk and I was nursing. His NP also came in and gave me some tips. I learned from the lactation consultant and the NP that I have a harder time nursing because of a small physical difference in myself. It wasn't anything I didn't already know, but it was nice to have some validation that not all of my failures are because I didn't try hard enough in the past :).  That week that Everett was in the nursery had ups and downs.  One of my friends told me I just needed confidence. Being postpartum and hormonal I was a little annoyed (she is a nursing pro, and I really admire her, but at that point it was envy! haha!) and stewed over it for a few hours before I came to the realization that she was 100% correct. That was the last factor that I needed- confidence.  When it hurt so bad I was in tears and so frustrated I would think back to all the hard stuff I went through while I was pregnant, which was soooo much worse, and it gave me the strength to push through. I know I can do hard things. And having that knowledge and believing it was the last factor I needed to succeed at breastfeeding. I will say it is much harder to endure pain when it is self inflicted and something you can stop, than much more severe pain that you can't do anything about and just have to deal with. I know there are MANY reasons that breastfeeding doesn't work out, but maybe this will help someone else out there who has struggled with it in the past who wants to give it another shot.  I prayed so hard that I would be able to breastfeed, if it was the right thing for me, and I know that Heavenly Father set everything up for me so that the things would happen that needed to so that I could succeed. I know it isn't right for everyone, and that it doesn't work out for everyone and I know the heartache and depression and frustration and the tears all too well. But there is hope for everyone! Don't be afraid to try again. YOU can do hard things!! And if it doesn't work out for other reasons, that is fine too!! Don't worry about it!

1 comment:

Lorelle said...

Thanks, Nicole :) I needed to read this...perfect timing.